The day that changed my life.

I thought it was time to write about this.

06-07-2013

This day was amazing. We did an amazing safari, it started raining, but it was kinda fun. It was fun jumping around in the rain with my family. I felt really happy at that particular moment. I don’t know why, but I have this feeling of extreme happiness. Despite the fact that I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago, I feel really happy. I am going to have an amazing new life now. I just graduated, I am going to university, I am going to make some new friends, I am going to find the love of my life even though I thought I already found him. But he wasn’t the one, I still have feelings for him but he isn’t good for me. He always made me cry and feel bad about myself and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. The one is still out there, at least I hope sow. I am so extremely wet from the rain. Luckily we have an experienced driver because driving in a storm like this is kinda dangerous.

The rain is hitting the car so hard, it almost sounds like little stones that are thrown at our car. And the sound of the thunder isn’t really comforting at all. But I feel very happy and nothing can destroy my happiness at this moment. I am in Sri Lanka with my family and it is only the beginning of the vacation. I haven’t felt this happy in years. My life is finally falling into place. I put on some Taylor Swift music and I fall asleep in the car.

I feel a hard clap. I don’t know what is happening to me. Everything is in slow motion and it feels like I am spinning. Everything is going so slow. Am I dreaming? What is going on? I hear the extremely painful sound of windows breaking but I don’t see anything. Only black is the color my eyes seem to see. And suddenly everything stops. Bang.  everything turns silent except for one sound. The sound of a car horn that just keeps on going. The sound is so loud that it penetrates my brain. This is the only thing my senses seem to pick up…

I am standing outside. With my feet in the river. I don’t know how I got here, I don’t seem to remember anything. I see my camera bag and heaven blue vans floating besides me on the water. My brother is standing next to me. He is hyperventilating and I see an extreme amount of blood running down his leg. I hear my father moaning in the background. I look left of me and I see my mom lying on the bank of the river. I see this look in her eyes, I have never seen it before. It looks like she has seen death. I don’t even recognize my mother for a second. When my ears finally stop making this awful peeping sound, I look up and I see it. Our mini-van. It fell of a bridge in to the river and there seems to be not a lot left of it. The sound of the horn keeps on going. My dad is walking around the wreck, crying and screaming my other brother’s name. It immediately strikes me. My brother is dead.

That is why my younger brother next to me is screaming. Without thinking for a second, I start screaming as well. There are Sri Lankan people everywhere filming everything with their phones. They aren’t helping at all, they are looking at this accident through their phones and thinking about putting it on youtube and getting loads of views. I don’t really feel anything, but an extreme sense of pain in my body. Not physical, but mental pain. After a while I try and take matters in to my own hands. When it becomes clear that my older brother is actually alive, I realise that everything is worth saving. They brought my brother to the hospital. Now it is my job to take care of my younger brother and mother, since my father went to the hospital already. There is a man, he can’t speak any english and the only thing he can say is “me get you to hospital”. We try and drag my mother of the shore. But since we fell 4 meters of a bridge, this is a very difficult task. We finally get her in to the pick-up truck. My brother is still in shock and he needs to sit in the back, in the open part of the car. I try to hold his hand through a tiny little window in the back of the car. My mother. It seems as if she could stop breathing any minute. I start telling her, that she still needs to see me get married, that she still needs to play with her grand children. But she can’t talk. I am convinced that I will go home without a mother. I start screaming to the driver that he needs to drive faster. My mother tries to say something but she can’t find the air to do so. After the longest drive of my life, we finally arrive at the hospital. They lay my mother down and they go away with her. They take my brother away from me, because he needs to be in the male section of the hospital. Everyone asks me questions. I don’t know how to answer them and finally they notice that I am also not feeling okay. At that moment, the physical pain. I feel very sick and everything is spinning. I can barely speak because of the pain in my head. It hurts when I try to open my mouth. They put me in a wheelchair and then I see my older brother. He can’t talk, and he has that same look in his eyes as my mother. I can just reach him with my hand and our hands touch for a minor second. He is taken to the intensive care and they need to operate him because he has mud in his lungs. After our paths split, I am strolled to the women section of the hospital, where I find my mother. They lay me down on my bed and I see cats and dogs walking in the corridor. I see dogs sleeping under the beds next to me. There are at least 30 women in this room, some seem to be in a lot of pain. There are all kinds of insects flying around everywhere and I don’t know where everybody is besides my mother. Nobody speaks english, my mother is in a lot of pain and I don’t know where my father is… I start hitting myself, because I just want to wake up from this nightmare. But nothing seems to work… This is for real.

I thought my happiness could not get destroyed, but I never imagined that something like this would ever happen to me. This made me see everything in perspective. I lost a lot of friends throughout the whole process of getting home. I thought that there were going to be a lot of people worried about me. But that wasn’t the case. Not even my EX-boyfriend, who I still had feelings for and with whom I was in a relationship for 8 months, didn’t really care like he should have. He even took advantage of my being fucked up when I got home. It made me realize that in the end, there are always going to be people that aren’t really there for you. I realized that life, it can be over in the blink of an eye. It can stop at any moment, and you really need to enjoy every little thing on earth as much as you can. Erase toxic people from your life, and trust only those who are real friends. There are so many things that people tend to worry about. Not getting ready for exams, your best friend doesn’t text you as much as you’d like to or your parents don’t want you to go to that party. When something like this happens to you, you realize that that doesn’t even matter. It is very hard not to worry about some of these things once in a while, hell even I have problems with that sometimes. But please try to remember that your world is probably one of the best versions of a life there is. There are people who don’t even have a father anymore, so why fight so much with your parents. There are people who don’t even have a home, so does it really matter that you can’t buy that piece of furniture you want? There are people who can’t even walk, so do you really need to be angry because you need to wake up at 7 on a Sunday morning to go to the bakery because your mother asked you to.

Life can be over any second, so why make life so complicated. Just do what you want, what you like. Don’t care about what people say behind your back, don’t care about what people think. Don’t care about if something doesn’t go the way it plans, don’t try to beat yourself up when you can’t write that paper right away. Don’t tell yourself that you are not pretty, that you need to be skinnier. Go buy that fucking hamburger instead of that salad, if that is what makes you smile.

Because at the end of the day, what matters most, is the smile on your face when you go to sleep.

7 Replies to “The day that changed my life.”

  1. Oh my God! Wat verschrikkelijk dat je dat hebt meegemaakt, maar een heel mooie levensles dat je meegeeft. I wish you all the happiness in the world xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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